All items submitted by anonymous donors -no offence inteded to any group or individual
Our previous Humour Page can now be found in Archives
Typical standard of UK intelligence....
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two
sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife's just had
a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen
pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup
of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you
deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, I have a baby two months
old and did not know about it until an neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint
on the days in between, exceptW ednesdays and Saturdays when I
don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out
of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because
we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
because I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let
dog out and put newspaper inside the door. PS. Don't leave any
milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead
until further notice.
Extract
from a Health Authority Memo
......the long term implications
of the use of drugs and procedures must
be fully considered. Over the last few years more money has been
spent on
breast implants and Viagra than has been spent on Alzheimers Disease
research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a
large
number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections
who
can't remember what to do with them.
Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing
new
"Drive-through" cashpoint machines, customers will
be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable
users
to
use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn
up.
Please
read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.
MALE or
FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the
first
time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
6 Turn the radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside
back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot
provided
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers
queuing behind
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26 Release handbrake
As
a result of the recent economic recession and poor first quarter
performance, Management has determined that there is no longer
any need
for network or software applications support.
The goal is to remove
all
computers from the desktop by December.
Instead, everyone will
be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many
sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Operating System problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails, and surfing
the
Internet
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch
has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it
Q. How do I turn my
Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q. What's the shortcut
for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I create
a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I set the
background and foreground to the same colour?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
Q. What is the proper
procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I delete
a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q. How do I save my
Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
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